Don’t Drake and Drive

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When people say, “Don’t Drake and Drive (Or You’ll End Up At Your Ex’s House), they’re not kidding. His angst is our angst. When he regrets not “wifing” Courtney from the Hooters on Peachtree Street, we empathize with him. That is to say, after listening to the Drake’s new album “Nothing Was The Same,” you’ll have to fight the urge to call your high school boyfriend.

Tuscan Leather:

Drizzy is on top, and he has no problems telling you. $25 million richer after the success of his sophomore album “Take Care”, he has no qualms about chilling in LA with his “kinfolk” and staying out the feuds and brawls that make hip-hop culture so interesting. Except for that one time with Chris Brown, which I prefer to think of as Drake defending Rihanna’s honor. Nevertheless, the man has made a lot of mistakes and “[he’ll] be the second to admit it”.

Furthest Thing:

The current Melvin Hall slow-grind jam. Drake has made a lot of mistakes, and he wants you to know that he’s sorry for all of them. This song, arguably the best one on the album if only for the beat and the ending piano track, is really just a rap version of “Nobody’s Perfect” by country-pop sensation Hannah Montana (RIP), but that doesn’t mean you won’t still be bopping to it in the car five years from now.

Started from the Bottom:

That is, if you can classify a brownstone in Toronto as “the bottom”. What is “the bottom” really? If you are surrounded by free healthcare is it really “the bottom”? Is this just a thinly veiled metaphor for Drake’s documented preference for big asses? All will be revealed on next week’s episode of “Emotionally Sensitive Hip-Hop Artist”.

Wu-Tang Forever:

This is a sentiment that Drizzy and I have common, but unfortunately this song isn’t about the world’s greatest hip-hop group. “Wu-Tang Forever” analyzes Drake’s casual sexual relationships, further validating the theory that if the hip-hop community was a playground, which it practically is, Drake is getting beat up on the regular.

Own It:

Fun Fact: The alternative titles for this track were “Wu-Tang Forever the Gender-swapped Social Justice Remix” and “Sad Tales of Sexual One-upmanship”.

Worst Behavior:

Drake is trying to convince us of something that is patently untrue. Unless disobeying his mother and being unloved by mainstream hip hop DJs constitutes badassery, in which case Drake’s sexual misadventures and liberal usage of the word “bitch” is entirely justified.

From Time (featuring Jhene Aiko):

Drake rarely has time to settle down, and when he does, it’s always with the wrong girl (enter the aforementioned Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree Street). This song is what sets Drake apart everyone else in the game. He’s talking about relationships with a sincerity, honesty, and emotional sensitivity that we’ve never heard before. Nevertheless, I’ve honestly never heard this song referred to as anything but, “the one with Jhene Aiko on it”.

Hold On, We’re Going Home (featuring Majid Jordan):

Everyone does seem to be here for this song, don’t they? I personally think it sounds like something Miguel would’ve rejected, but that’s just my ratchet opinion. It’s by far the most pop-y track on the album, and really should have edged out “Blurred Lines” for song of the summer.

Connect:

The music is dark and reminiscent of Kanye West’s “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”, and this, by all accounts, is Drake’s fantasy. He wants a lady, not a girl, a shortie, a female, or a bitch, to connect with. Another fun fact: if you replace every female pronoun in this song with “Rihanna”, everything in the world will start to make sense again.

The Language (featuring Birdman):

Drake may be a sensitive special snowflake, but the man has confidence. Make no mistake. He’s also sending mixed signals. “I just wanna smoke and fuck/girl, that’s all that we do.” Is that during hiatus from your deep meaningful relationships with strippers and video vixens?

305 To My City (featuring Detail):

Contrary to Drake’s belief, you will not walk away from this song thinking that Toronto is a hardcore nexus of interconnecting hoods and hip hop origin stories. How hardcore is a city with free healthcare? That doesn’t make the song any less of a groove, though. This is a late night McDonald’s run track.

Too Much (featuring Sampha):

By far the most emotional track on the album, mostly because of Sampha’s sad bulldog vocals. Except this time, Drake’s not sad about girls, he’s sad about not being the best, which is every rapper’s goal. In the hip hop community, the pressure to be the G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time, a spot currently occupied by Jay-Z) is great. Will Drake ever occupy this seat? He should take his own advice and “don’t think about it too much.”

Pound Cake/Paris Morton Music 2 (featuring Jay-Z):

With samples from Wu-Tang’s “C.R.E.A.M.” and an ethereal harmonizing back track, Drake proves something that can’t be refuted. No matter what you say about him or how much you want to clown him, he’s made it. He can afford to buy and sell a lot of the people who trash him. His dream is real. Well done, Drizzy.

On a scale of one to five, five being the best and one being the worst, here is how the album would unofficially. Drake’s music is undoubtedly a five and the lyrics would be a four. However, what truly goes off the scale is the emotional sensitivity, which would rate infinity.

 









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